The New Age of Blogging?

So I've been video blogging recently.. I treat it the same way as I do blogging pretty much, lol, so there's not much of a difference. I just uploaded my first vlog in like almost three weeks a few days ago.

I helped Mama-bear out a few weeks ago with her vlogging, which is what really turned me onto it. It's fun to talk to the camera about nothing and everything. Lol. I always start of with nothing in mind, but end up with like fifteen minutes of crap to cut up and cut down. Lol, ten mnutes is sometimes just not enough. Lol.




I talked to Daddy about the Whoinspiresyou.ca contest and he said I could use his camera.. but I need to buy special batteries, and I'm not sure if the computer can handle the video. Lol. Maybe I'll just use my own lol...

Hmm... still thinking of ideas for it though, like how to make everything fit into three minutes.. and how to go over everything as quickly without losing the impact I need. And what kind of clips, and angles and everything like that... ungh...



Oh Yeah, don't forget to check out the Child Abuse Awareness Event 2009 photos!!



Hearts and kisses!!! xo

A Hopeful Chance

So I am finally home.. the second night... and I'm seriously thinking of moving with Carleen in August... She's in need of a room mate and asked me, I think jokingly, but I've been seriously thinking about it for the last couple of days... And its a really good deal...

I really dont want to work at tim hortons.. it's driving me nuts.. I dont want to do it at all..

whoinspiresu.ca has started up another contest round. You make a video about who inspires you and why and what you'd like to do or be, and it's for $10,000 to go towards becoming what you want to be...

I want to enter.. I would use the money to get into a studio and make myself some actual good demos that are worthy enough to send out, and sell so I can get out there with theSadieproject. Ideas are flowing now.. i missed out last time cause I had the abuse awareness event to worry about.. so hopefully i can get this going and find myself a way to get out there with my music..

Too Much to Hold Onto

I have to go to work in like an hour.. my second shift. I got to work with one of my step-sisters lastnight so it wasnt bad at all.. but tonight she is not working..

My anxiety is off the wall.. Rob is going to meet me downtown and walk with me to work.. I"m like freaking out.. I need a smoke.. ungh.. I dont want to work. I had the ultimate worse sleep in my entire life.. I feel like I didn't sleep at all... which is not good.. I should probably have some coffee right now...

I don't want to go... I really dont.. I have to go to the store..

Not much of an update, Just a "Pity Me" post

So, I'm starting work at my step-mom's store, and it's the nightshift, like my last job. So tonight I am trying my best to stay up as late as I can so I can get enough sleep tomorrow before work. It's from 10-6, but gaaaah.. I hate working the night shift.. it's all sleeping and working that's about it. And it's so far away from my house.

I live way out in the east end, and the store is like right down town. I might have to stay at Rob's the days I have to work... ungh.. I'm never gonna get to go home, am I?

I kind if wish i had a boyfriend... I mean, like a month ago, I decided i didn't want a boyfriend yet, or anytime soon.. but I sit here, alone.. feeling lonely..
It's almost unbearable at some moments.. to be lonely. And it really doesn't help that I like to listen to slow songs that sing about either sappiness, or have that "Come back to me" sound, or stuff like that. It's just so depressing to think especially, tha I'm sitting here, still alone and my ex has gone BACK to the girl who cheated on him... but I am alone... He has someone, my brother and sister have someone, my dad and step-mum just celebrated their first year anniversary.. my mum practically lives with her boyfriend...
It sucks... I am alone.. I dont even have my cat cause I can never get home long enough for him to even cuddle with me...

I feel like a bag of crap... this is what sitting by myself, late at night does to someone who suffers from depression.. Makes them feel like the deepest, biggest bag of shit on the planet... I hate me sometimes.. I need a smoke.. but have none... ungh...

An Update

So our internet is finally back. I'm not at home though. Lol. Im staying at a friend's right now, then I start work at my step-mother's store on friday.. hopefully things will work out for the summer...

Ashley's wedding is fastly appraoching, June 6th.. >.<

Our Awareness Event for Child Abuse Awareness Month, which was April, was a success!! We started a bit late, but we got to help a few people out. Hopefully, next year, it will be much a much bigger turn out.

This October, me and Mama-Bear are possibly planning a walk-a-thon for Child Abuse Prevention month. Something like walking from bayfront to City Hall...

I was thinking of something like from City Hall to Gage Park, where when we get to Gage Park, we could have some water and enjoy some music. Maybe have a couple local bands or artists perform for abut an hour or two. Sounds good. But Mama-Bear's the one who is mostly organizing it I think. She's the driving force for it mostly. Lol. I'm available to whatever she needs me for..

I think this is something we'll be doing for the rest of our lives, or at least this is something I will be doing for the rest of my life. having these awareness events, bringing all the attention to the issuse of childhood abuse, and some kind of hope to survivors of sexual abuse, that you too can be alright in time.. for a little while at least. That they are not alone in their journey to heling from abuse.

I hope that I can do this.. for a long time at least.. ooh, you know what, remember Sarah McLachlan had that tour for women, with just women performers? How about a tour for Abuse Survivors, with only survivors of abuse performing? Haha, I'm so creative... I have all these great ideas, just not the right resources to bring them to fruitation.. who would you talk to about stuff like that? I guess I'd have to find a manager and make an album first huh? Lol.

<3

Internet...

So our internet is gone.. for now.. That's why there hasn't been much at all.

But quickly, April 25th, my dear Hamiltonians in the area. ;) We're planning an event to bring awareness to Child and Sexual abuse. It will start at 12:30pm. (We're gonne try and be there to start preparing at 12:00pm)

Also, I will be busking the 11th and the 18th. WE'll be accepting donations for fundraising for the 25th's event. As we need printing things, pamphlets, and signs and all that other crap.

Hopefully, we'll have our internet back by next week... so I'll be able to keep the updates coming.

If anyone would like to perform on the 25th, email me at: thesadieproject@gmail.com with Performance for April in the subject line.

All my love and support, hope to keep updates more frequent. <3

BannerSnack

At Least I Have Her...

So there is truly one person in my life that I love more than anyone else. That is my sister. She small, and tiny, but her smile totally compensates for her height. I love her to pieces, and I think she is one of the most intelligent, prettiest, and all-around beautiful human beings I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. It only makes it better that we are sisters.

A lot of the time when I think about our relationship, yeah we fought when we were younger, yeah I sometimes hated her guts cause she would let her toys roll over that imaginary line of our bedroom, and yes, I hated it sometimes that she would follow me everywhere. But I love her dearly, to death. She is my one and only. She is my best friend, and I would never re-place her. We have been through a lot of crap together. All of my family. And I've spent most of my life trying to keep her protected, because I'm not sure if she knows this, but I remember the last time I had to protect her... well at least I hope I had kept her protected, because it stopped for me after this night.

It's been something I've been thinking about the last few days.. trying to see if I remember anything really.. I told my cousin Ashley that I can tell people that yes, I was abused, and yes, it did happen, and yes, this is what I have become because of it. But I cannot speak of the details. I don't envy, but am amazed at how other survivors are able to tell every detail.. I cannot. I have never actually experienced a full-blown flashback, or such, and it's something I wouldn't want to experience.

But this night I remember, I remember it because it was the last time he ever tried to touch me again, and a lot of people I've talked to, don't understand what I mean when I feel like I failed her, because I am no longer trying to fight the denial about my sister.. I've grown up practically raising my brother and sister, and to find out, you never really saved them from the abuse you've endured, it's a heart-wrenching experience to go through. It was like a smack in the face, that little moment of failure, has been haunting me for he last two months, and I've somewhat talked to her about it, but it's just to painful for me to even think about.

The Last Night

It was the night before my Uncle Ron and Auntie Grace's wedding. Chelle and I slept in our rec-room in the basement, watching movies. My mother and 'him' were drinking, as usual.

I awoke to no music or anything, but the sound of the basement door opening, and slow footsteps. I quickly tucked the excess blankets under my body and made a cocoon around my sister and I, as tightly as I could. 'He's not going to hurt her,' I thought to myself as I practically lay on top of her, trying to keep as quiet as I could.

I heard him enter the room, and kneel down next to me on the floor, then I felt him begin to tug on the blanket. I held it down as tightly as I could, tried to force as much body weight as I could, to keep him from breaking the shell I had created out of cotton and linen. After a few more attempts, he became frustrated and left us. I don't remember if he said anything or not.. I listened to him walk up the stairs, open the basement door, and continue to where ever it was he went.
I lay there, barely breathing, in fear he'd hear it and come back down, for almost a half an hour. Once I felt "safe" enough I fell back to sleep, the blankets still under my body, my arms wrapped around my little sister, who was still in grade one.
I awoke once again, my head still under the blankets, to the basement door opening, and footsteps coming down the stairs. I quickly reapeated my actions as before. I lay on on top of the covers and held my breath once more. I heard the kneeling beside me, and felt the tugging at the blanets. They were somewhat more forceful this time. I fought back, pulling the blankets back and let out a small whimper, 'I won't let him hurt us,' I kept thinking to myself.

Then I heard it, "Lindsay what's the matter? What are you doing?" It was my mother tugging. I stopped pulling on the blankets and stopped all movement, and breathing together. It was out. Now she would something was up... this is the moment.. can't hide it anymore.. noe she knows there is definetly something going on.. it's no longer just something I said to someone else...

I pulled the covers down to just under my eyes and stared at her, "What's wrong?" she asked me. She had kneeled down beside me, to wake us up, so we could get ready for my uncle's wedding. My mother stared down at me with concern in her eyes, but also the knowledge.

I told her quietly what had happened the last time I woke up. Told her about the tugging and pulling, about how I tried to keep Michelle safe.

But my memory ends there... I don't remember anything else after that, I remember the wedding of course, but I don't remember what my mother said, or if Chelle had woken up at all that night..

It's because of this that I feel so responsible for my brother and sister. Me and my sister have really always been really close. Because at the end of the day the people I have left are my brother and sister.


I love my sister because she is caring. She always wants everyone to be happy. Her smile is usually always bright and shining. But lately I've noticed, she hasn't been smiling as often as usual, and it worries me. Something is bothering her deeply that it affects her very core. I want her to always be happy, and to never have to hurt ever again. I couldn't save her then, but I will try my hardest to keep her happy and make sure she makes the right choices, and gets herself the best out of life. Because I love her.


She is my best friend, my confident, the one person I know will not judge me, or get mad at the mess I've created of myself. I know that she will listen to me whenever I need it. And I know that she is proud of the person I have become, and it means the world to me to have the thought that maybe I didn't create such a huge mess of myself so that she could be somewhat inspired by, or proud of me. I'm glad that I never followed through with those thoughts so long ago, if it wasn't for them, my brother and sister, my life would be over right now, and I wouldn't be writing this.

And although I may feel like a failure to my parents most of the time, I know that I will never, ever be a failure to the two people who matter the most to me.

It just had to die yesterday didn't it?

So my computer died yesterday. It is at the computer hospital right now. I've lost everything. Three years worth of photos and videos. My artwork... my music. All my masters are gone. Everything I had for the sadie project is *POOF!!* gone. Now I have to re-record everything... which shouldn't be too bad. I was planning it anyways.

So just luckliy after I wrote my last post about my daddy. He's began to become a little more involved in my life. We've made some sort of plan to spend sunday evenings over at his house, for dinner. And this friday we're going to a semi-formal valentine's dance. So whoo, excited. Hopefully our computer is back by then, lots of pictures.

I wonder if anyone really reads this blog... I think that's why I don't update often... no one reads it... Or at least ithink no one reads it....

If anyone does... can you leave a comment and let me know? Haha, you don't even have to write anything just a "." is good. Lol.

So no photos in this post, because I don't know where my cousin's photos are. Lol. I'm at her house using her comp right now. Lol.

So I'm off to bed. I have to go to Kitchener in the morning. Early morning, like in three hours I have to wake up. Lol.

Nightie night...

Sometime we all feel like a Mistake...

My relationship with my father has declined a lot in the last few years since I was 16. I sometimes feel he completely forgets I exist.. and it makes me feel like a bag of crap. I called him the other day just to say "Hey what's up, I love you," and he made it sound like old news...

I love my father, to the extremes. He is the one we ran to when we escaped. He has been with us our whole lives and I have always been a Daddy's Girl. So why is it, that he finds such ease to go through out the weeks, and not even a phone call or anything. We used to talk all the time during the week when I was younger, and now it's like it's him, his wife, and her kids. He never invites us out camping during the summer. Or to other occasions, such as my step-sister's going away party when she was leaving to go to Ottawa for university...

Am I the steady reminder of his mistakes? Because I did not graduate high school, and instead became this somewhat crazy, depressed, messed up little girl? Is that all I am to my Daddy? Am I a mistake?

Sometimes you have to remind yourself...

So I've been regularly checking my points with purpose account, for messages and such. They have places for survivors to talk to each other and share their thoughts and stories and what not. So i commented on this one message and I wont say what it said but I just wanted somewhere to put a piece of what I said, 'cause sometimes it's nice to remind myself of what I preach. ;)

"It was never your fault, and no one person's story is any more or less important than any others, because in the end, we are all survivors of abuse, and we have all lost the same something. Our innocence, and feeling of security, and we're all fighting to get it back. "

We're Alone At Last

So I finally have the house to myself. I think it might be the perfect time to record some music I've been waiting months for.

I have one song that I'm not sure if it should belong to theSadieproject or some kind of solo thing.. I'm not sure exactly... hmm...

So i'm going to set everything up now. How exciting! Lol.

Good Evening my Long Lost Friend

Half the time I don't know why I even bother with blogs.. I never keep them up to date.

Plus, nothing is really happening to blog about. It's somewhat depressing...

The updates? I'm out of a job, I haven't done anything regarding theSadieproject music, and my life is genereally sleeping, eating, and gaining more weight. I'm like a fat cow now... damn it and i have five months to lose it for Ashley's wedding.

Hello Depression, long time no talk. How have you been keeping?



In other news, I do have a new Facebook group for survivors of abuse. It's doing good so far. Although because my lovely sister thought it was helping, most of her friends have joined, so it makes it a little less "friendly" to survivors. I think I might have to go through and delete some...

And I've joined a site called Points With Purpose, it's a drawing for Survivors, it's of a woman who looks like she feels comfortable in her skin. It's made with just dots.. every dot is for a survivor, and the dots on the shirt are for supporters of... It's a wonderful cause. I would suggest everyone to sign up. ;)



So in musical news, I've been rehearsing a lot lately. Some Sadie songs I haven't played in so long that I almost forgot the chords. So hopefully, I'll have everything done so I can start looking for gigs, and start planning the benefit concert.
I was thinking about maybe asking another band or two to maybe donate some time to play as well, like open up the show or something...

There's so much to do, and I'd like to maybe do it in August.. near the end of August...

Anyone with suggestions I'd gladly like to hear some.. Lol...



My Daddy's birthday was yesterday... we had fun. Went out for dinner, enjoyed ourselves.













Happy Birthday Daddy!

Update

So life gets in the way, and lately I've had theSadieproject on the back burner. I know bad me. I still have songs that need to be recorded but there are never any times when there is NO one here. I hate recording when someone is home because they end up making noise and screw up my takes.

I'd like to get a laptop so I can do my recording in my room, but bills and rent need to be paid...

If anyone would like to donate! ;) hahaha.

So Sadie is doing well, she wants this whistling thing from the dollar store. It whistles when you spin it, it's like a tube thing.... With the Halloween Party coming up we haven't had the cash to get it yet. lol. But no worries, our beloved will get it, probably next week.

Sadie is unsure of what she wants to be for Halloween yet. It's a mix up between a cat, a princess (surprise there eh? Lol.) or a bumble bee. I think she would be cute as a Bumble bee. I think i will buy it for her anyways. ^.^

It's been rather chilly out lately. I'm going to be starting a new job soon. Tired of working a Tim Horton's. But for some reason I feel guilty about leaving. I think sometimes I am to compassionate... Some things I need to let go of... ;)

Greetings...

Photo: My niece Zoey and my cousin Tiffany

So since august 13th, there has been a new song up. It's the official Inner Child's Suicide. Which I am seriously thinking about changing the name too, only because it's just a mouth full to spit out, and I'm just not really happy with that title.

But what to call it, I think a came up with a good name a while ago but now I can't remember it..


So Sadie, has been good lately. We worked on what is left of our garden. Amazingly, the plants we started growing at the beginning of the season are the only plants we have left now. And one is still even sprouting flowers every other week. It's great.

We been painting a lot lately. We've been working on this green painting right now. Sadie has been painting flower vines on the walls. She like to decorate her room that way. Artistic freedom. I let her painting on the walls. Lol. so far we have vines wrapping around the front window now. Lol. She hasn't gotten to the flowers yet, but I think it will look lovely when she is done.

We went out yesterday, went to get something for dinner. We ended up getting some chicken and a green pepper, and we bought some cake mix. So I made chicken and fried rice, and Sadie helped Chelle make the cake. it was a double layered golden cake, with chocolate icing.

And we sat and watch movies all night, together. It was great. We had a really good time.

Sadie doesn't like it when I have to go back to work.. She has to spend most of the night alone..