Why really?

The more and more I work on this music project of Sadie, the more and more I realize how scared I actually am of becoming anything more than what I am, "fame" wise. Of course, I'm not doing this for the fame, I am doing it because it is the way I am healing myself of a very traumatic experience.

So far, in my progress, I've established an "alter-ego" in the form of a little girl, who I am now "taking care of". Momma Bear says, it's re-parenting myself. I think it's the best way to heal, take care of the child who was hurt. So far, I have become accustomed to buying real things for Sadie, I refer to her as if she were an actual person. I draw pictures of her doing ordinary things. I write about her. I draw her everywhere. Sadie has become a "real" person for me, that I take care of. That I love, that I watch over. She's a blessing...

But the more I go on with my music project, the more scared I become, and there's no exact reason why. I do this because I want to share my experiences, and show that as a Survivor, you can heal, somewhat. (No matter how much healing you do, it will never feel complete...) I feel there are no real cons to this entire thing, I think it's just my anxiety getting in the way...

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Picture: My niece Zoey

Sadie and I are going to the dollar store to pick up a few things today. Then we're going down to the Bayfront maybe, with Claire, to check out the artisan fair they have every weekend. Then Claire and i are possibly going to karaoke at TAPS. I should call and ask Ash if she wants to come...

But we're going to check and see if the new dollar store has Sadie's bug thingie she keeps asking for.. if not we'll have to walk over to dollarama and see if they still have them. She wants a bamboo fishing pole too for some reason.. she doesn't really like fishing.. or at least I think she doesn't. I dont I know that.. I guess the moment has never presented itself.

I wanted to go camping with daddy this weekend. But I dont finish work until tomorrow morning, and they left yesterday.. Kind of sad he didn't ask. Sadie hasn't been camping yet, I think she'd love it. Maybe in August we can go...

I have to get my camera from Momma Bear, cause I'm going nuts without it... I have pictures of Sadie that I want to put up..

Now off to do some work and maybe me and Sadie will garden for a bit before I get to tired to do anything...